Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
