We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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