I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
