literally had 100 drinks last night.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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