I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
