i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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