Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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