he shaved USA in his pubs
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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