I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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