I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
