Someone shit on the floor
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
