Betty ford says i'm here all night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
