Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
