I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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