Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
