so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
