Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
