How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
