he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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