I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
