somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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