My balls are so social today.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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