3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
