haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
