he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
