She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
