I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
