I wish I only lived at night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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