I am in a vortex of obligation.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
