I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
