people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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