i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
