you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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