I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think I sprained my soul last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
