he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
