You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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