My ATM looks so different sober.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
