That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
