I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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