I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
