I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
