Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
