goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
