Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
