he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
