i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
