ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
