Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
