need another drink. this is the easiest way
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
