I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
