I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
