Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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