i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
