Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
