Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
